Pun My Word

Banned Movies

2009-04-30T10:53:00.002-04:00

I was preparing to teach a college course on the history of banned movies and went to the library to take out some films that had been censored. "Do you have any banned movies in your collection?" I asked the librarian. "Oh, yes!" she answered. "We have some really good ones. What would you like? Tommy Dorsey? Glenn Miller? The Beatles? The Who?"

Thought for the Day

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. (Ogden Nash)

Scheduling Nostradamus

2009-04-29T05:50:00.002-04:00

While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the various churches and temples in the area. Since this got to be a strain running from place to place, the religious groups got together and hammered out a schedule where they would each get Nostradamus's services for one or two days a month on a rotating basis. It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan.

Thought for the Day

The Bible tells us to study math. It says, "Go forth and multiply."

What the Bishop Does

2009-04-26T06:48:00.004-04:00

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."

Thought for the Day

Middle age: When the past was perfect and the present is tense. (Elliot Priest)

The Movie Fanatic's Parakeet

2009-04-24T21:27:00.003-04:00

A movie fanatic had a pet parakeet. Because the bird was an utter wimp, and the man had a perverse sense of humor, he named the parakeet "Falcon."

The man was also a bit of a sadist. He kept the birdcage on the sill of his first-floor-front window, and the local kids all stopped by to make fun of this poor bird. Every day at 3:00 when school let out, the kids came by and stopped to growl, yell, and otherwise scare the poor thing. One day just before 3 a friend stopped by to the movie fanatic's house and said, "The Cinema Art Theater is showing 'CASABLANCA.' Wanna go?"

"No thanks," he replied. "I'd rather stay home and watch them all tease Falcon."

Thought for the Day

What's the best thing about having Pagan friends?
They worship the ground you walk on.

Truck Parts Short Order

2009-04-17T10:51:00.003-04:00

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his breakfast order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon. "Oh, Okay!" said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Thought for the Day:

He had a photographic memory that never developed.

The Prison Quartet

2009-04-09T09:52:00.004-04:00

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them. "This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key."

(Author unknown; from www.mikeysfunnies.com)

Thought for the Day:

Always make stupid moves; it confuses your opponent.

Signs, Part 5

2009-04-01T14:17:00.004-04:00

Signs Seen Here and There, Part 5

Sign in a Stavanger, Norway hairdresser's: "Nice face...shame about the hair."
From Down Under...a sign from a furniture company: "Our beds are factory trained not to climb on your children. Please show the same courtesy."
Seen on the back of a van in the UK belonging to a curtain and blind retailer: "This van is being driven by a blind man!"
In Lilburn GA, at an antique furniture refinishing & repair shop, the sign proudly proclaimed: "Male Stripper on Duty."
On Interstate 40 in an eastern New Mexico rest area bathroom that was under construction, the sign actually read, "Please use sidewalk."
A few years back, one of our utility companies bore the unfortunate name, "People's Natural Gas."
A local Subway had a sign that said: "Now hiring - 6in tuna- $3.59." (Poor, underpaid, overworked tiny tuna!)
One of the tow truck companies a town had an old tow truck they would drive in parades. On its side it said, "The oldest hooker in town."
A sign that was up for a while at a hot dog stand: "We relish your buns."
On a sign in front of a church intending to advertise a fundraiser for the youth group: "Archery Shoot Youth Fundraiser."
On the road leading into the Birmingham, AL airport, a sign says "Parking" and has an arrow...pointing at a graveyard.
In San Luis Obispo, CA, all the city busses have plastered on their sides, "SLO Transit."
This sign was apparently supposed to be a Christmas message. All it said was, "This shall be a sign to you."
At First Assembly of God in Union Grove, WI, the sign out front once read: "Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Sun worship 10:30 am."
A barber in East Petersburg, PA has a sign stating, "I need your head in my business."
In Amarillo, TX there is a Burger King sign that reads, "Work for the King, not the Clown (referring to McDonalds)."
At our AA clubhouse in Lemon Grove, a sign on the bulletin board states: "Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy!"
There's a brake shop in Brea that has a sign that says: "We stand in front of our brake jobs."
Sign at a hairdresser: "I'm a beautician, not a magician."
Sign for a local sanitation company: "You Dump It! We Pump It!"
On a veterinarian/taxidermist's marquee: "Either way you get your cat back."
Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed about the magnitude of the decision. "Who should go, Clark or Lois?" He actually did some praying, which he hadn't done for a long time. He asked, "Please, show me a sign." That afternoon he was doing some shopping at WalMart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer. The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, "I'm sorry, Lois, but you have to go." After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, "Chief, how did you decide which one of us should go?" Perry said, "Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at WalMart, I looked up and there was the sign: 'FIRE LANE.'"

Thought for the Day

Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar and got twelve months?

Shingles

2009-03-25T07:13:00.002-04:00

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor looked him over, then asked, "Where?" Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

Signs, Part 4

2009-03-23T12:06:00.006-04:00

Signs Seen Here and There, Part 4

Seen on a hair-dresser's salon: "Curl up and dye."
In Smithfield, Va., there is a packing house by the Ivy Hill Cemetery. Next to the sign for the cemetery is a sign for the packing house that reads "Shipping & Receiving." Many graveside services are probably accompanied by the sounds of squealing hogs.
Years ago, a new business moved into suburban Buffalo, NY. The family owns a number of locations in the area named "Amigone Funeral Home"
In St. Louis a sign above a gas station reads: "Eat here! Get gas!"
On a billboard in the great state of Kentucky was the name of a tattoo parlor with the motto: "Tattoos done while you wait!"
Sign at a tire shop: "Re-tire before you go bald!"
Seen at a Hardee's restaurant was a sign that said: "Special - Fish and Kid Fry."
A garbage disposal company in Vancouver, BC has the motto "Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back."
A septic tank company in our town has a billboard that reads: "We want your stinkin' business."
At a church located in St. Catharine's, ON, the church sign read: "There are many choices in life, but only two in eternity. Sunday School 9:30, Meeting 10:30."
On a restaurant in Myrtle Beach: "Open 365 days a year. Closed Today." And it wasn't a leap year!
Sale sign in a camping shop: "Now is the discount of our winter tent (A play on the Shakespearean line "Now is the winter of our discontent")."
Sign on a car wash marquee (Denver): "Our vacuums really suck!"
From a plumber: "A straight flush is better than a full house."
In Tampa, Fl was a now defunct lawn mower sales/service company named "Mow Town."

Thought for the Day

What does the vet prescribe for the constipated monkey? A bananema.

Signs, Part 3

2009-03-19T14:42:00.010-04:00

Signs Seen Here and There (Part 3)

On a local tow truck: "Jesus wants your heart, we just want your tow."

From a Galeton, PA septic pumping company: #1 in the #2 business."

"On a cul-de-sac where a building on the corner had housed several different businesses, one interesting business was a funeral home. The "Dead End" sign out front obviously had to be changed. The new one read 'No Outlet.'"

At a travel agency, the motto was "Please go away."

A cesspool repair/maintenance guy has this on his truck: "Your doodoo is my bread and butter."

On a radiator shop in Springfield, MO: "The best place in town to take a leak."

On a dry cleaner's in Hammonton, NJ: "Satisfaction guaranteed, or your dirt back."

On a tire dealership the sign out front says, "Best place in Texas to take a leak."

At St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City's prayer chapel next to the towering cathedral, just outside the door, a small sign: "Talk to God today. He's always there to listen. Prayer Chapel Hours: 9 - 7 Daily." (And after 7pm, who's listening?)

Sign on an electric company truck: "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."

Thought for the Day:

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Signs, Part 2

2009-03-18T13:03:00.004-04:00

Signs Seen Here and There (Part 2)

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a house's fence: "Salespeople welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."

Thought for the Day

Any time that things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

The Four Leaf Clover

2009-03-16T06:38:00.004-04:00

Each leaf on the four leaf clover represents one of the following:

The 1st leaf is Hope,
The 2nd is Faith,
The 3rd is Love,
The 4th is Luck.

Tip: Never iron a four-leaf clover, because you don't want to press your luck!

Signs, Part 1

2009-03-10T08:51:00.005-04:00

Signs Seen Here and There (Part 1)

On a plumbing company's van: "A flush beats a full house!"
A sign at a little restaurant: "Eat here or we'll both starve!"
In the bathroom of a mom and pop store: "We aim to please, so, you aim too, please."
Sign on a retail store door: "PUSH. If it doesn't open, PULL. If it still doesn't open, WE ARE CLOSED."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband 'fixed.'"
Pizza shop slogan: "Seven days without pizza makes one weak."
Another pizza shop slogan: "Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On the door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. May we help you pick your nose?"
At a dry cleaner's: "Our Satisfaction Guarantee: We'll refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

Thought for the Day

Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.

A Child's Favorite Parable

2009-02-17T01:18:00.005-05:00

When a preacher approached a young boy who was fishing in the park pond, he said, "Do you know the parables?"

"Yes, sir!!" the lad quickly replied.

"Which one do you like the best?" the preacher queried.

The boy looked up, and said, with a big grin, "You know which one, preacher! The one where everybody loafs and fishes!"

- Adapted from Doc's Daily Chuckle and Sermon Fodder (Sermon_Fodder-subscribe@yahoogroups.com)

The Bottle of Wine

2009-02-09T15:14:00.004-05:00

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade....."

Knot String

2008-01-06T22:12:00.000-05:00

A string walked into a bar with a few friends and ordered a beer. The bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walked away, a little upset, and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he went back to the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here." So the string went back to his table.

Then he got an idea. He tied himself in a loop and messed up the top of his hair. Then he walked back up to the bar and again ordered a beer.

The bartender squinted at him and said, "Hey, aren't you a string?" And the string said, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Pun Liner of the Day

Why are you driving me crazy when you know it's within walking distance?

One Liner of the Day

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.

Murphy's Laws

After discarding something not used for years, you will need it not more than one week later. (Law of Irreversibility)

Thought for the Day

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station……

I Have Contacts

2007-08-09T13:27:00.000-04:00

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."

Definitions

Airhead (er*hed), n. - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Pun Liner of the Day

The police barbershop quartet's favorite song is "Donuts Make My Brown Eyes Blue."

One Liner of the Day

I may be lost, but I'm making good time!

Thought for the Day

The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip.

Murphy's Laws

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions.
("Destiny Awaits" Law)

Understanding Your Paycheck

2007-08-06T18:42:00.000-04:00

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK

Gross pay: $1,222.02
Income Tax: $244.40
Outgo Tax: $45.21
State Tax: $61.10
Interstate Tax: $5.89
County Tax: $6.11
City Tax: $12.22
Rural Tax: $4.44
Back Tax: $1.11
Front Tax: $1.16
Side Tax: $1.61
Up Tax: $2.22
Down Tax: $1.11
Tic-Tacs: $1.98
Thumbtacks: $3.93
Carpet Tacks: $0.98
Stadium Tax: $0.69
Flat Tax: $8.32
Surtax: $3.46
Ma'am Tax: $2.60
Parking Fee: $5.00
No Parking Fee: $10.00
F.I.C.A.: $81.88
T.G.I.F.: $9.95
Life Insurance: $5.85
Health Insurance: $16.23
Disability: $2.50
Ability: $0.25
Liability: $3.41
Dental Insurance: $4.50
Mental Insurance: $4.33
Reassurance: $.11
Coffee: $6.85
Coffee Cups: $66.51
Calendar: $3.06
Floor Rental: $16.85
Chair Rental: $0.32
Desk Rental: $4.32
Union Dues: $5.85
Union Don'ts: $3.77
Cash Advances: $0.69
Cash Retreats: $121.35
Overtime: $1.26
Undertime: $54.83
Eastern Time: $9.00
Central Time: $8.00
Mountain Time: $7.00
Pacific Time: $6.00
GMT: $24.00
Time Out: $12.21
Oxygen: $10.02
Water: $16.54
Electricity: $38.23
Heat: $51.42
Air: $46.83
Miscellaneous: $154.54

Take Home Pay: $0000.02 (This is where the expression "My 2 cents worth" came from...).

Thought for the Day

Who is this FICA, and what is he doing taking a huge chunk of my pay?

Pun Liner of the Day

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

Murphy's Laws

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of Pi. (Law of Pi-Eyed)

My Job History

2007-07-12T09:56:00.000-04:00

- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...I couldn't concentrate.
- I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
- After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, because it was only a so-so job.
- Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
- I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
- Then I tried to be a chef -- I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
- I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
- My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. - I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
- Next was a job in a shoe factory - I tried but I just didn't fit in.
- I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
- I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
- I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
- So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
- After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
- My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
- So then I retired...and found out I was perfect for the job!

Author unknown - Edited by Eric Farthing

Pun Liner of the Day

One Liner of the Day

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Thought for the Day

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Murphy's Laws

Law of Full Employment: An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Marco Polo Discovers Fireworks

2007-07-04T22:03:00.001-04:00

WITH APOLOGIES TO, WELL, EVERYONE

When Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with the people and the ingenious things they made. One invention he especially enjoyed hearing about was the rockets they created. While not quite the fireworks we know today, they did shoot into the air, explode, and make pretty patterns.

Much to Polo's chagrin, however, he could get no one to demonstrate the rockets for him, though everyone made them nearly everywhere he traveled in the country. "No, will not shoot them off here!" each person protested.

Finally, Marco traveled to a series of military bases in the beautiful city of Chu'Lai. Here fireworks were launched off every night, and on Friday evenings people would travel from great distances to launch their homemade rockets in one gigantic display.

"But why here, and nowhere else?" Marco Polo asked his guide.

"Why, honored sir," the guide replied, "everyone knows that we only set off fireworks on the forts of Chu'Lai!"

[JokeMaster, retold by Mark Raymond]
+++
From the MarkMail email humor list (mark@mrhumor.net).
To subscribe, contact subscribe-956610719@ezinedirector.net or go to Mark's web site,
http://mrhumor.net/.

I join Mark in wishing all Americans a "Happy 231st."

Gone for Cotton

2007-05-28T10:26:00.000-04:00

Gone for Cotton

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he harrumphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

Pun Liner of the Day

A scientist was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals trying to prove his theorem when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution.

One Liner of the Day

It is hard to understand how a cemetery could raise its burial cost and blame it on the cost of living.

Thought for the Day

Today (May 28) is Memorial Day in the US. Those who served in our armed forces gave of themselves, sometimes making the ultimate sacrifice, to protect and ensure our freedom. Take a moment today and thank a veteran, or the family of a deceased veteran, for their service and sacrifice.

Murphy's Laws

Quartermaster's Corollary:
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

Units of Measurement that You Rarely See

2007-05-25T13:00:00.000-04:00

UNITS OF MEASUREMENT THAT YOU RARELY SEE

2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
10 cards: 1 decacards
The force of 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decaration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Thanks to Jack S. for sending this to me.

Pun Liner of the Day

There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.

One Liner of the Day

18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree.

Thought for the Day

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Murphy’s Laws

The Mathematical Formulation of Murphy’s Law:
1 + 1 x= 2
(One plus one hardly ever equals two.)

The Birds and the Beets

2007-05-24T16:22:00.000-04:00

We were so poor as children that we often had very little to eat. One day my mother sent me to the basement pantry to find what I could for dinner. After a long search, I came back with some beets. This was not enough to feed our family of 6, so my mother sent me to the attic to kill the family of seagulls who had moved in there. My mother cooked the gulls and we waited for my father to get home from work.

As it got later, my mother put the cooked birds in the refrigerator to keep until my father came home, as we always ate as a family. When my father arrived later that evening, we sat down to eat the skimpy dinner, but first my father prayed over the food, "God bless the beets and the chilled wren."

Pun Liner of the Day

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question...or is it?

One Liner of the Day

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Thought for the Day

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Murphy's Laws

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Forrest Goes to Heaven

2007-05-17T21:04:00.000-04:00

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. He arrived at the Pearly Gates and was met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates were closed, so Forrest approached St Peter.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responded, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir, but nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test has only three questions:
- First, what two days of the week begin with the letter 'T?'
- Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
- Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest left to think the questions over. He returned the next day and saw St. Peter, who waved him over and said, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter 'T?' Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," St. Peter interrupted. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on to the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

"Sure," Forrest replied. "It's 'Andy.'"

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Okay, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name 'Andy' as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song: "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..."

Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said, "Run Forrest, run!!!!!"

Pun Liner of the Day

He auditioned for a part as a trumpet player but he blew it.

One Liner of the Day

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Useless Trivia Item

What nation's national anthem has no words? See this blog for the answer soon!

Thought for the Day

"No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad."
- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881), Scottish historian and essayist

Graphs

2007-05-17T20:11:00.000-04:00

A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher, "I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line."

Pun Liner of the Day

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

One Liner of the Day

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Murphy's Laws

McGillicuddy's Corollary: Murphy was an optimist.

Thought for the Day

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

Children's Logic: Down the Ladder Pregnant

2007-05-17T20:06:00.000-04:00

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

Pun Liner of the Day

A child told her mother: "My teacher thinks I'm going to be famous. She said all I have to do is mess up one more time and I'm history."

One Liner of the Day

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Thought for the Day

"Not everything that can be counted counts and not everything that counts can be counted."
- Albert Einstein

Murphy's Laws

Law of Unplanned Obsolescence:
Just when you get really good at something, you won't need to do it anymore.

Useless Trivia Item Answered

What nation's national anthem has no words? Spain.

King of the Jungle

2007-05-17T18:59:00.000-04:00

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.

He came across two men: One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him, because even the King of the Jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

Pun Liner of the Day

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed."

One Liner of the Day

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Murphy's Laws

If anything can go wrong, it will.

Thought for the Day

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Raising Rabbits in Paris

2007-05-14T19:22:00.000-04:00

A young American chef trying to make his way in France decided that the French would enjoy eating rabbit. So he decided to raise the rabbits by himself and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

He searched all over Paris looking for a suitable location to build a warren and raise his rabbits, but none could be found. At long last, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory to house his rabbits.

He successfully raised a number of them and went around Paris selling them to the finer restaurants in the city. Upon his second or third visit to one such establishment, the owner asked him what his secret was; where had he gotten so many fresh rabbits?

"I raise them myself," the young man answered, "in a warren near the cathedral. You could say I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."

Thought for the Day

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Pun Liner of the Day

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Fish and Chips

2007-05-13T23:27:00.000-04:00

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there. Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the brothers.

The first one said, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replied the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other brother and said "Then you must be...?"

Brother Michael replied, sighing, "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

Thought for the Day

The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.

Pun Liner of the Day

Abundance: A big party held in a bakery.

Greensburg, Kansas Tornado Damage Photos

2007-05-12T13:24:00.000-04:00

Greensburg, KS Photos

Not so funny - Go here to see aerial photos of the Greensburg, KS tornado devastation. Pictures of this on television don't do it justice.

http://www.kansas.com/static/slides/050507tornadoaerials/

We Are But Dust

2007-05-12T10:54:00.000-04:00

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully, for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

(Author unknown-from Sermon Fodder/Clean Laughs)