Thursday, August 9, 2007

I Have Contacts

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."


Definitions

Airhead (er*hed), n. - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.


Pun Liner of the Day

The police barbershop quartet's favorite song is "Donuts Make My Brown Eyes Blue."


One Liner of the Day

I may be lost, but I'm making good time!


Thought for the Day

The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip.


Murphy's Laws

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions.
("Destiny Awaits" Law)

Monday, August 6, 2007

Understanding Your Paycheck

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK

Gross pay: $1,222.02
Income Tax: $244.40
Outgo Tax: $45.21
State Tax: $61.10
Interstate Tax: $5.89
County Tax: $6.11
City Tax: $12.22
Rural Tax: $4.44
Back Tax: $1.11
Front Tax: $1.16
Side Tax: $1.61
Up Tax: $2.22
Down Tax: $1.11
Tic-Tacs: $1.98
Thumbtacks: $3.93
Carpet Tacks: $0.98
Stadium Tax: $0.69
Flat Tax: $8.32
Surtax: $3.46
Ma'am Tax: $2.60
Parking Fee: $5.00
No Parking Fee: $10.00
F.I.C.A.: $81.88
T.G.I.F.: $9.95
Life Insurance: $5.85
Health Insurance: $16.23
Disability: $2.50
Ability: $0.25
Liability: $3.41
Dental Insurance: $4.50
Mental Insurance: $4.33
Reassurance: $.11
Coffee: $6.85
Coffee Cups: $66.51
Calendar: $3.06
Floor Rental: $16.85
Chair Rental: $0.32
Desk Rental: $4.32
Union Dues: $5.85
Union Don'ts: $3.77
Cash Advances: $0.69
Cash Retreats: $121.35
Overtime: $1.26
Undertime: $54.83
Eastern Time: $9.00
Central Time: $8.00
Mountain Time: $7.00
Pacific Time: $6.00
GMT: $24.00
Time Out: $12.21
Oxygen: $10.02
Water: $16.54
Electricity: $38.23
Heat: $51.42
Air: $46.83
Miscellaneous: $154.54

Take Home Pay: $0000.02 (This is where the expression "My 2 cents worth" came from...).


Thought for the Day

Who is this FICA, and what is he doing taking a huge chunk of my pay?


Pun Liner of the Day

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.


Murphy's Laws

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of Pi. (Law of Pi-Eyed)