Thursday, August 9, 2007

I Have Contacts

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."


Definitions

Airhead (er*hed), n. - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.


Pun Liner of the Day

The police barbershop quartet's favorite song is "Donuts Make My Brown Eyes Blue."


One Liner of the Day

I may be lost, but I'm making good time!


Thought for the Day

The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip.


Murphy's Laws

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions.
("Destiny Awaits" Law)

Monday, August 6, 2007

Understanding Your Paycheck

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK

Gross pay: $1,222.02
Income Tax: $244.40
Outgo Tax: $45.21
State Tax: $61.10
Interstate Tax: $5.89
County Tax: $6.11
City Tax: $12.22
Rural Tax: $4.44
Back Tax: $1.11
Front Tax: $1.16
Side Tax: $1.61
Up Tax: $2.22
Down Tax: $1.11
Tic-Tacs: $1.98
Thumbtacks: $3.93
Carpet Tacks: $0.98
Stadium Tax: $0.69
Flat Tax: $8.32
Surtax: $3.46
Ma'am Tax: $2.60
Parking Fee: $5.00
No Parking Fee: $10.00
F.I.C.A.: $81.88
T.G.I.F.: $9.95
Life Insurance: $5.85
Health Insurance: $16.23
Disability: $2.50
Ability: $0.25
Liability: $3.41
Dental Insurance: $4.50
Mental Insurance: $4.33
Reassurance: $.11
Coffee: $6.85
Coffee Cups: $66.51
Calendar: $3.06
Floor Rental: $16.85
Chair Rental: $0.32
Desk Rental: $4.32
Union Dues: $5.85
Union Don'ts: $3.77
Cash Advances: $0.69
Cash Retreats: $121.35
Overtime: $1.26
Undertime: $54.83
Eastern Time: $9.00
Central Time: $8.00
Mountain Time: $7.00
Pacific Time: $6.00
GMT: $24.00
Time Out: $12.21
Oxygen: $10.02
Water: $16.54
Electricity: $38.23
Heat: $51.42
Air: $46.83
Miscellaneous: $154.54

Take Home Pay: $0000.02 (This is where the expression "My 2 cents worth" came from...).


Thought for the Day

Who is this FICA, and what is he doing taking a huge chunk of my pay?


Pun Liner of the Day

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.


Murphy's Laws

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of Pi. (Law of Pi-Eyed)

Thursday, July 12, 2007

My Job History

- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...I couldn't concentrate.
- I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
- After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, because it was only a so-so job.
- Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
- I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
- Then I tried to be a chef -- I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
- I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
- My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. - I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
- Next was a job in a shoe factory - I tried but I just didn't fit in.
- I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
- I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
- I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
- So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
- After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
- My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
- So then I retired...and found out I was perfect for the job!

Author unknown - Edited by Eric Farthing

Pun Liner of the Day

Sign in an electrician's shop: “We will refuse you.”

One Liner of the Day

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Thought for the Day

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Murphy's Laws

Law of Full Employment: An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Marco Polo Discovers Fireworks

WITH APOLOGIES TO, WELL, EVERYONE

When Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with the people and the ingenious things they made. One invention he especially enjoyed hearing about was the rockets they created. While not quite the fireworks we know today, they did shoot into the air, explode, and make pretty patterns.

Much to Polo's chagrin, however, he could get no one to demonstrate the rockets for him, though everyone made them nearly everywhere he traveled in the country. "No, will not shoot them off here!" each person protested.

Finally, Marco traveled to a series of military bases in the beautiful city of Chu'Lai. Here fireworks were launched off every night, and on Friday evenings people would travel from great distances to launch their homemade rockets in one gigantic display.

"But why here, and nowhere else?" Marco Polo asked his guide.

"Why, honored sir," the guide replied, "everyone knows that we only set off fireworks on the forts of Chu'Lai!"

[JokeMaster, retold by Mark Raymond]
+++
From the MarkMail email humor list (mark@mrhumor.net).
To subscribe, contact subscribe-956610719@ezinedirector.net or go to Mark's web site,
http://mrhumor.net/.

I join Mark in wishing all Americans a "Happy 231st."

Monday, May 28, 2007

Gone for Cotton

Gone for Cotton

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he harrumphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

Pun Liner of the Day

A scientist was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals trying to prove his theorem when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution.


One Liner of the Day

It is hard to understand how a cemetery could raise its burial cost and blame it on the cost of living.


Thought for the Day

Today (May 28) is Memorial Day in the US. Those who served in our armed forces gave of themselves, sometimes making the ultimate sacrifice, to protect and ensure our freedom. Take a moment today and thank a veteran, or the family of a deceased veteran, for their service and sacrifice.


Murphy's Laws

Quartermaster's Corollary:
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Units of Measurement that You Rarely See

UNITS OF MEASUREMENT THAT YOU RARELY SEE


2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
10 cards: 1 decacards
The force of 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decaration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Thanks to Jack S. for sending this to me.


Pun Liner of the Day

There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.


One Liner of the Day

18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree.


Thought for the Day

OK, so what's the speed of dark?


Murphy’s Laws

The Mathematical Formulation of Murphy’s Law:
1 + 1 x= 2
(One plus one hardly ever equals two.)

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The Birds and the Beets

We were so poor as children that we often had very little to eat. One day my mother sent me to the basement pantry to find what I could for dinner. After a long search, I came back with some beets. This was not enough to feed our family of 6, so my mother sent me to the attic to kill the family of seagulls who had moved in there. My mother cooked the gulls and we waited for my father to get home from work.

As it got later, my mother put the cooked birds in the refrigerator to keep until my father came home, as we always ate as a family. When my father arrived later that evening, we sat down to eat the skimpy dinner, but first my father prayed over the food, "God bless the beets and the chilled wren."


Pun Liner of the Day

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question...or is it?


One Liner of the Day

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.


Thought for the Day

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.


Murphy's Laws

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Forrest Goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. He arrived at the Pearly Gates and was met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates were closed, so Forrest approached St Peter.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responded, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir, but nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."


St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test has only three questions:
- First, what two days of the week begin with the letter 'T?'
- Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
- Third, what is God's first name?"


Forrest left to think the questions over. He returned the next day and saw St. Peter, who waved him over and said, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter 'T?' Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," St. Peter interrupted. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on to the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

"Sure," Forrest replied. "It's 'Andy.'"

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Okay, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name 'Andy' as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song: "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..."

Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said, "Run Forrest, run!!!!!"


Pun Liner of the Day

He auditioned for a part as a trumpet player but he blew it.


One Liner of the Day

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Useless Trivia Item

What nation's national anthem has no words? See this blog for the answer soon!


Thought for the Day

"No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad."
- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881), Scottish historian and essayist

Graphs

A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher, "I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line."

Pun Liner of the Day

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

One Liner of the Day

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Murphy's Laws

McGillicuddy's Corollary: Murphy was an optimist.

Thought for the Day

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

Children's Logic: Down the Ladder Pregnant


Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."


Pun Liner of the Day

A child told her mother: "My teacher thinks I'm going to be famous. She said all I have to do is mess up one more time and I'm history."


One Liner of the Day

He who laughs last thinks slowest.


Thought for the Day

"Not everything that can be counted counts and not everything that counts can be counted."
- Albert Einstein


Murphy's Laws

Law of Unplanned Obsolescence:
Just when you get really good at something, you won't need to do it anymore.


Useless Trivia Item Answered

What nation's national anthem has no words? Spain.

King of the Jungle

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.

He came across two men: One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him, because even the King of the Jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.


Pun Liner of the Day

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed."


One Liner of the Day

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


Murphy's Laws

If anything can go wrong, it will.


Thought for the Day

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Monday, May 14, 2007

Raising Rabbits in Paris

A young American chef trying to make his way in France decided that the French would enjoy eating rabbit. So he decided to raise the rabbits by himself and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

He searched all over Paris looking for a suitable location to build a warren and raise his rabbits, but none could be found. At long last, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory to house his rabbits.

He successfully raised a number of them and went around Paris selling them to the finer restaurants in the city. Upon his second or third visit to one such establishment, the owner asked him what his secret was; where had he gotten so many fresh rabbits?

"I raise them myself," the young man answered, "in a warren near the cathedral. You could say I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."



Thought for the Day

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


Pun Liner of the Day

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.



Sunday, May 13, 2007

Fish and Chips

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there. Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the brothers.

The first one said, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replied the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other brother and said "Then you must be...?"

Brother Michael replied, sighing, "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."


Thought for the Day

The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.


Pun Liner of the Day

Abundance: A big party held in a bakery.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Greensburg, Kansas Tornado Damage Photos

Greensburg, KS Photos

Not so funny - Go here to see aerial photos of the Greensburg, KS tornado devastation. Pictures of this on television don't do it justice.

http://www.kansas.com/static/slides/050507tornadoaerials/

We Are But Dust

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully, for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

(Author unknown-from Sermon Fodder/Clean Laughs)