Thursday, April 30, 2009

Banned Movies

I was preparing to teach a college course on the history of banned movies and went to the library to take out some films that had been censored. "Do you have any banned movies in your collection?" I asked the librarian. "Oh, yes!" she answered. "We have some really good ones. What would you like? Tommy Dorsey? Glenn Miller? The Beatles? The Who?"


Thought for the Day

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. (Ogden Nash)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Scheduling Nostradamus

While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the various churches and temples in the area. Since this got to be a strain running from place to place, the religious groups got together and hammered out a schedule where they would each get Nostradamus's services for one or two days a month on a rotating basis. It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan.


Thought for the Day

The Bible tells us to study math. It says, "Go forth and multiply."

Sunday, April 26, 2009

What the Bishop Does

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."


Thought for the Day

Middle age: When the past was perfect and the present is tense. (Elliot Priest)

Friday, April 24, 2009

The Movie Fanatic's Parakeet

A movie fanatic had a pet parakeet. Because the bird was an utter wimp, and the man had a perverse sense of humor, he named the parakeet "Falcon."

The man was also a bit of a sadist. He kept the birdcage on the sill of his first-floor-front window, and the local kids all stopped by to make fun of this poor bird. Every day at 3:00 when school let out, the kids came by and stopped to growl, yell, and otherwise scare the poor thing. One day just before 3 a friend stopped by to the movie fanatic's house and said, "The Cinema Art Theater is showing 'CASABLANCA.' Wanna go?"

"No thanks," he replied. "I'd rather stay home and watch them all tease Falcon."


Thought for the Day

What's the best thing about having Pagan friends?
They worship the ground you walk on.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Truck Parts Short Order

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his breakfast order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon. "Oh, Okay!" said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"


Thought for the Day:

He had a photographic memory that never developed.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Prison Quartet

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them. "This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key."

(Author unknown; from www.mikeysfunnies.com)

Thought for the Day:

Always make stupid moves; it confuses your opponent.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Signs, Part 5

Signs Seen Here and There, Part 5

  • Sign in a Stavanger, Norway hairdresser's: "Nice face...shame about the hair."
  • From Down Under...a sign from a furniture company: "Our beds are factory trained not to climb on your children. Please show the same courtesy."
  • Seen on the back of a van in the UK belonging to a curtain and blind retailer: "This van is being driven by a blind man!"
  • In Lilburn GA, at an antique furniture refinishing & repair shop, the sign proudly proclaimed: "Male Stripper on Duty."
  • On Interstate 40 in an eastern New Mexico rest area bathroom that was under construction, the sign actually read, "Please use sidewalk."
  • A few years back, one of our utility companies bore the unfortunate name, "People's Natural Gas."
  • A local Subway had a sign that said: "Now hiring - 6in tuna- $3.59." (Poor, underpaid, overworked tiny tuna!)
  • One of the tow truck companies a town had an old tow truck they would drive in parades. On its side it said, "The oldest hooker in town."
  • A sign that was up for a while at a hot dog stand: "We relish your buns."
  • On a sign in front of a church intending to advertise a fundraiser for the youth group: "Archery Shoot Youth Fundraiser."
  • On the road leading into the Birmingham, AL airport, a sign says "Parking" and has an arrow...pointing at a graveyard.
  • In San Luis Obispo, CA, all the city busses have plastered on their sides, "SLO Transit."
  • This sign was apparently supposed to be a Christmas message. All it said was, "This shall be a sign to you."
  • At First Assembly of God in Union Grove, WI, the sign out front once read: "Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Sun worship 10:30 am."
  • A barber in East Petersburg, PA has a sign stating, "I need your head in my business."
  • In Amarillo, TX there is a Burger King sign that reads, "Work for the King, not the Clown (referring to McDonalds)."
  • At our AA clubhouse in Lemon Grove, a sign on the bulletin board states: "Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy!"
  • There's a brake shop in Brea that has a sign that says: "We stand in front of our brake jobs."
  • Sign at a hairdresser: "I'm a beautician, not a magician."
  • Sign for a local sanitation company: "You Dump It! We Pump It!"
  • On a veterinarian/taxidermist's marquee: "Either way you get your cat back."
  • Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed about the magnitude of the decision. "Who should go, Clark or Lois?" He actually did some praying, which he hadn't done for a long time. He asked, "Please, show me a sign." That afternoon he was doing some shopping at WalMart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer. The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, "I'm sorry, Lois, but you have to go." After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, "Chief, how did you decide which one of us should go?" Perry said, "Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at WalMart, I looked up and there was the sign: 'FIRE LANE.'"

Thought for the Day

Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar and got twelve months?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Shingles

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor looked him over, then asked, "Where?" Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

Monday, March 23, 2009

Signs, Part 4

Signs Seen Here and There, Part 4

  • Seen on a hair-dresser's salon: "Curl up and dye."
  • In Smithfield, Va., there is a packing house by the Ivy Hill Cemetery. Next to the sign for the cemetery is a sign for the packing house that reads "Shipping & Receiving." Many graveside services are probably accompanied by the sounds of squealing hogs.
  • Years ago, a new business moved into suburban Buffalo, NY. The family owns a number of locations in the area named "Amigone Funeral Home"
  • In St. Louis a sign above a gas station reads: "Eat here! Get gas!"
  • On a billboard in the great state of Kentucky was the name of a tattoo parlor with the motto: "Tattoos done while you wait!"
  • Sign at a tire shop: "Re-tire before you go bald!"
  • Seen at a Hardee's restaurant was a sign that said: "Special - Fish and Kid Fry."
  • A garbage disposal company in Vancouver, BC has the motto "Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back."
  • A septic tank company in our town has a billboard that reads: "We want your stinkin' business."
  • At a church located in St. Catharine's, ON, the church sign read: "There are many choices in life, but only two in eternity. Sunday School 9:30, Meeting 10:30."
  • On a restaurant in Myrtle Beach: "Open 365 days a year. Closed Today." And it wasn't a leap year!
  • Sale sign in a camping shop: "Now is the discount of our winter tent (A play on the Shakespearean line "Now is the winter of our discontent")."
  • Sign on a car wash marquee (Denver): "Our vacuums really suck!"
  • From a plumber: "A straight flush is better than a full house."
  • In Tampa, Fl was a now defunct lawn mower sales/service company named "Mow Town."

Thought for the Day

  • What does the vet prescribe for the constipated monkey? A bananema.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Signs, Part 3

Signs Seen Here and There (Part 3)

  • On a local tow truck: "Jesus wants your heart, we just want your tow."

  • From a Galeton, PA septic pumping company: #1 in the #2 business."

  • "On a cul-de-sac where a building on the corner had housed several different businesses, one interesting business was a funeral home. The "Dead End" sign out front obviously had to be changed. The new one read 'No Outlet.'"

  • At a travel agency, the motto was "Please go away."

  • A cesspool repair/maintenance guy has this on his truck: "Your doodoo is my bread and butter."

  • On a radiator shop in Springfield, MO: "The best place in town to take a leak."

  • On a dry cleaner's in Hammonton, NJ: "Satisfaction guaranteed, or your dirt back."

  • On a tire dealership the sign out front says, "Best place in Texas to take a leak."

  • At St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City's prayer chapel next to the towering cathedral, just outside the door, a small sign: "Talk to God today. He's always there to listen. Prayer Chapel Hours: 9 - 7 Daily." (And after 7pm, who's listening?)

  • Sign on an electric company truck: "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."

Thought for the Day:

  • Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.